I have put off writing this post for many reasons. I never deal well with death. I don’t think any of us do. Death is final. It feels hollow and empty to me. The pain of the loss is unbearable. And yet I have blogged about grief and death not because I have a morbid fear or fascination. But it is a life lesson, an emotional letting go that I must come face to face with from time to time in my life.
The emotions that accompany death have slipped into my life again and ever so innocently. It started a week ago when my sister told me that our family’s beloved dog of 14 years, Pepper, was going to be put down. He was barely moving or eating and it was the right thing to do for him, but for me it brought back that well spring of emotions I try so hard to keep pushed down. We have lost our share of dogs. Our first pup from the pound lived but a few short weeks. His death tore a hole in my heart so profound I still feel that twinge whenever we must say goodbye to another beloved pet.
After learning about Pepper we found a dead bird in the pond near the waterfall. It seems the smaller birds, like the bigger birds, are trying to use the top of the waterfall as a place to drink and bath avoiding the aggressive frogs below in the pond. This poor bird was most likely swept away in the waterfall and drowned.
Thoughts of my dad consumed me this week and my sweet neighbor Ruth was lost to us 2 years ago this past week too. I also watched my husband relive the pain of his father’s death that happened 37 years ago as if it had just occurred. All this has left me dazed and in a fog or cocoon of self protection. Trying to find my way out of the pain.
Once the emotions do come back up to hit me square in the face, it all comes up….all the family and friends I miss desperately. It doesn’t seem to be any less painful even though people tell you the pain will diminish. I say we just are able to keep the pain buried down in the recesses of our hearts and minds. It never fades for me. I sometimes catch myself wanting to call a friend and realizing they are gone to me forever and I no longer have their counsel.
And yet it is these emotions surrounding death that gave me the inspiration for the poetry that was chosen for publication. And as the publication date nears, those very emotions contained in the lines of poetry are front and center. The book, The Moment I Knew, is scheduled to be published on August 26th on Women’s Equality Day. The books cover is pictured here. The work of 30 female authors celebrated on the very day women were given the right to vote in the United States 91 years ago is monumental. I am proud and humbled to be among these incredible women. There will be publicity around the country, and I will be participating in an online Book Salon August 28th at 5pm Eastern Time to discuss the book. This is a new area for me to explore and express myself since I usually shy away from publicity.
If I have learned anything about myself on my journey to authenticity this year, it is to that you must experience the emotions. Whatever the lesson, whatever the reason the emotions are back I must let myself experience them. It isn’t OK to stuff them down anymore or try to avoid them. For in these experiences I am finding a new me. One that is accepting myself more. One that is seeking balance in my life. Like a seed sprouting from last year’s long dead flower to begin anew this season, this time…now…
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end. ~ Seneca
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